Thursday, December 11, 2008

When Sausage and Earth collide

A horrifying thought kommen to me, one that fails to be ascertained by those of lesser non-teutonic minds, and that's this:

What if a GIANT SAUSAGE from OUTER SPACE hit the earth? We make so much fuss of ze asteroids and comets, but what about an ET Sausage?

Imagine what would happen to the poor Dinosaurs if it hit. They would certainly become extinct. (Some people think they are extinct now. But those same people also think David Hasselhoff is a hero to the German people, when he is really the antichrist in a speedo. Falco's murderer. I should stop now before I work myself into a Baywatch VHS-burning frenzy).


Are the people of Earth prepared for this eventuallity? Certainly not, except for...of course (proud to say) ze German People!

Why do I say this you ask? Well, no American team of Space Cowboy Oil-Drillers can do much to stop a Tumbling Meat Turd as it speeden zi towards Earth. So why bother? Let it hit. The German people will simply use two hands instead of one to hold their Beers as the concussion ricochets around zi earth and then simply take the Sausage Shrapnel and EAT IT (see video). It's that simple.

So there you have it! No worries. The Fatherland will go on to be a shining light in a glorious new age, free of Dinosaurs, Murderers in Speedos, and Space Cowboys who think they can act.


Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The Power of Sausage

Hallo everyone...check out this vonderful story I discovered while cruising the the public urinals internets today:

Apparently a New Zealander, overcome by his lust for sausage (sorry, my inner Freud simply could not resist) purchased a Lotto ticket and became fabulously wealthy beyond his wildest expectations. Which, considering New Zealand is a pitiful country when compared to the Fatherland, weren't much. But whatever, blitzkrieging on...

But you do understand ya?! The power of sausage is absolutely irrefutable! Now you know why I put it in my BEER! Imagine the middle-earth-moola this Kiwi could've earned had he power-downed one of my signature SausageSteins (see video).

The power of beer and sausage komming together, combined with mindless capitalist excess, surely would've led to even greater success. With his winnings he could rule more than just his local Auckland pub, he could rule from Gandor to Endor and all lands inbetween.

Perhaps then, Beer and Sausage together is ze ticket out of this global economic meltdown. So I will continue to cry into my beer as I nibble on the remaining sausage bits still left floating around.

Times are hard, but luckily for me, so are ze German people.

-Herr Gustav

Friday, November 21, 2008

Wilkomen to Gustav's Interfest!

Hallo Everyone! Allow me to introduce myself ya? My name is Gustav Johan Wolfgang Amadeusswaggen. If you cannot already tell by my name's impressive girth, I am German. And we Germans are experts in all things beer, pop music, wiener tasting, and of course, technology. So welcome to my internet blog and web video show, "Gustav's Interfest"! We will talk about all the wonderful people who live and work on the internet.

You are excited ya? Sure you are. Only a dumbkoff would be bored by the Internet. But don't worry, we will not show nor discuss Pandas peeing on Zoo webcams or David Hasselhoff's hamburger eating fiasco on YouTube. Unless of course, the Pandas pee on Hasselhoff's hamburger. That would be MOST entertaining. Why, you may ask, is a German of all people hassling the 'Hoff? I will explain later, when I have calmed down a bit. The mere mention of the 'Hoff is enough to make me reach for Das Boot (both the movie and a Glass Boot filled with beer). The two combined together can be quite devastating for a German.

First of all, I should warn you I am a very serious about my love of technology. I have been blogging since I was but a boy of 5. That was before internets of course, but I would insist on blogging anyway.

Now back to the Hasslehoff issue. Another reason I have embraced technology is I am working once and for all to put an end to Herr Hasselhoff's career as a rampaging alcoholic murderer. Murderer you may say?

We all know meat is murder and he did indeed murder that hamburger on YouTube, but I am talking about something far more sinister. Let me explain:

In the 1980's their was the pop music sensation FALCO. Perhaps the greatest pop star the world has ever known. In Germany he was god, and still is to the cultured and sophisticated, second only to Amadeus in talent and musical virility.

Then, the dark times came. A poorly engineered car that could talk but would have it's bumper blasted by a Sunday autobahn driver arrived in Germany, driven by the Antichrist himself, David Hasslehoff. A wolf in sheep's clothing (and sometimes worse; a speedo), he convinced the German people he was their pop music savior. His California mullet cast a shadow so dark, the light of Falco began to wane. And then, the unthinkable; Falco died in automobile accident in the Dominican Republic in 1998. No one has ever confirmed the whereabouts of the evil Kit (Hasselfhoff's auto-conspirator) during this time, and Hasselhoff went on to dominate the German pop charts well into our modern era.

I swear, one day I will bring the might forces of the internet down upon David and bring an end to the Hasselhoff's hassling of German pop music, and restore the glorious and most lovely Falco to his rightful status as the king of German pop. In the meantime, I will educate the world about all things technological via my wonderful internet video blog. As well as watching the Hamburger Hassle video over and over and over again. So fun ya!

So, I will see you again shortly. Until then, Auf Wiedersehen! Enjoy my interview with Martin Rincon of Martini Design, an official "Gustav's Interfest" sponsor.