Thursday, December 11, 2008

When Sausage and Earth collide

A horrifying thought kommen to me, one that fails to be ascertained by those of lesser non-teutonic minds, and that's this:

What if a GIANT SAUSAGE from OUTER SPACE hit the earth? We make so much fuss of ze asteroids and comets, but what about an ET Sausage?

Imagine what would happen to the poor Dinosaurs if it hit. They would certainly become extinct. (Some people think they are extinct now. But those same people also think David Hasselhoff is a hero to the German people, when he is really the antichrist in a speedo. Falco's murderer. I should stop now before I work myself into a Baywatch VHS-burning frenzy).


Are the people of Earth prepared for this eventuallity? Certainly not, except for...of course (proud to say) ze German People!

Why do I say this you ask? Well, no American team of Space Cowboy Oil-Drillers can do much to stop a Tumbling Meat Turd as it speeden zi towards Earth. So why bother? Let it hit. The German people will simply use two hands instead of one to hold their Beers as the concussion ricochets around zi earth and then simply take the Sausage Shrapnel and EAT IT (see video). It's that simple.

So there you have it! No worries. The Fatherland will go on to be a shining light in a glorious new age, free of Dinosaurs, Murderers in Speedos, and Space Cowboys who think they can act.


Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The Power of Sausage

Hallo everyone...check out this vonderful story I discovered while cruising the the public urinals internets today:

Apparently a New Zealander, overcome by his lust for sausage (sorry, my inner Freud simply could not resist) purchased a Lotto ticket and became fabulously wealthy beyond his wildest expectations. Which, considering New Zealand is a pitiful country when compared to the Fatherland, weren't much. But whatever, blitzkrieging on...

But you do understand ya?! The power of sausage is absolutely irrefutable! Now you know why I put it in my BEER! Imagine the middle-earth-moola this Kiwi could've earned had he power-downed one of my signature SausageSteins (see video).

The power of beer and sausage komming together, combined with mindless capitalist excess, surely would've led to even greater success. With his winnings he could rule more than just his local Auckland pub, he could rule from Gandor to Endor and all lands inbetween.

Perhaps then, Beer and Sausage together is ze ticket out of this global economic meltdown. So I will continue to cry into my beer as I nibble on the remaining sausage bits still left floating around.

Times are hard, but luckily for me, so are ze German people.

-Herr Gustav